Conflict and Negative Feedback

If you don't have something nice to say... Haven't we all heard that old cliched line far too many times, especially as children? Of course there is a good lesson in there. Thinking before you speak can really save you a lot of time and headaches. On the other hand, one of the noteworthy traits of us HSP folks is our tendency to be overly conscientious.

I have lain awake many nights reviewing conversations from the previous day or sometimes even old conversations from years ago. I've found myself distracted during the day thinking about things I've said that may have caused others some discomfort. Because of this hyper-conscientiousness on my part, I've tended not to speak up even when I've been very uncomfortable with a situation. Part of it is about not wanting to hurt others. Another part of it is about not wanting to face the sleepless night and distracted day while I work through reviewing the conversation from all the possible angles and whether I need to follow up with the person.

Recently I spoke up when I heard someone making comments that upset me because they were sexist. This person is a friend and a good person who I care about very much. He has made comments like this before and I've kept my mouth shut for the reasons stated in the previous paragraph. I think I was a bit inelegant in my response to him this time because I was angry and also because I don't have a lot of practice confronting others when I have concerns about or disagree with something they are saying or doing. I'm still not sure the best way to handle these things. I often find myself wondering if I should reach out to the person to make sure they know all the ways I think they're great or if that will dilute my message. My husband assures me that the guy probably has not spent the last few days agonizing over the conversation so perhaps I can just let it go.

Something else that has been on my mind with regard to this issue is that because of my conscientiousness when I make a mistake I tend to be heavy handed with berating myself and apologizing profusely to the person. I wonder if this prevents the other person from having the space to actually be angry or upset with me.

What I'm struggling with is having the grace to allow the other person to have their feelings of being upset with me and not taking up all the space with my self-flagellation.

I'm much better at handling conflict and negative interactions these days as I have about 25 years of adulthood under my belt. In my 20's I was merciless with myself. I was very quiet about my opinions which limited my advancement at work and introduced distance in friendships. These days I do my best to speak up when I have a concern and value the friends who do likewise as that gives me permission as well.

I'm curious as to whether non-HSP's go through these mental and emotional acrobatics. I suspect not, given the surprised looks and reactions I get when I've shared some of this. How have you learned to cope with conflict and negative feedback as an HSP? Does it cut you deeply? Do you review it over and over or have you found strategies for letting things go? If you're a non-HSP involved in a close relationship with an HSP, how do you experience this issue?

Blessings!

Caprice

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#hsp #conflict